Dear Onyx,

Hey love, it's mum again,

It seems so much time has passed since I last wrote you, but realistically it's been hardly any time at all! Time has been more than a little weird lately. The last 22 weeks have slowed to a crawl. However that doesn't mean I want to speed things up so fast I miss the point where you start to crawl. I never want to rush it, not any time with you. Even if you cry your heart out all night and I don't get a wink of sleep for months on end, I don't want to rush it. I don't want to miss it, because someday faster than I'd like, you might feel "too cool" to be seen with me, too big to be held in our arms, and someday you won't live with us and you will be out on your own to eventually start your own family. It seems like that is off in the distant future where we have flying cars and regular space travel but I assure you time will go so much faster than you think kid. Want to know a secret? I still feel like I am 6 years old sometimes, and sometimes I feel like I am 70. You will be breathing sweet Washington air sooner than I know. I just want to enjoy your every stage and that means being patient. I mean, I am patient enough right? Even if I want to see your big lipped - little gummy smile RIGHT THIS MOMENT I'll be patient. *sigh*

I think I feel like "week 22" has been the longest because I am so ready. 

Ready to laugh with you. 

Ready to look back in my rear view mirror and see you gazing out the window. 

Ready for you to join dad and I as we slow dance in the kitchen. 

Ready to rub your back as you fall asleep. 

Ready to see how Jared holds you. 

Ready to see your tiny shoes dangling from a swing.

Ready to hear you belly laugh.

Ready to birth you and I am not scared at all, just flat out excited.

Ready to love you face to face. 

Ready to meet you, ugh... SO ready to just MEET you 

even though I already know so much about you little guy!

 I bet you didn't think I was that observant did ya?

1. I know you like to be on the move constantly. I don't think sitting still will be your thing. Don't worry, I am in my 20's and I can barely sit through a movie so I know how you feel. 

2. I don't think you like apricots, because every time I eat them now I feel sick and you move in an angry jolting sort of way. 

3. Surprisingly, I think you might just be a morning person. (which is going to be tough for dad and I) I feel you doing your biggest stretches, summersaults and some sort of karate aerobics (not quite sure what your doin' in there kid) all during the mornings. 

4. (My personal favorite) I can tell you love your dad already because every time Jared comes home from work and we talk about our day you bounce around so fast and seem so excited. (I understand, he is the best after all!) So now I know you can hear us! 

I really enjoy your high energy and enthusiasm. I bet you will be quiet the character Onyx.

We can't wait to see your little face. Love you kid. 

-Me

Oh! P.S.
I am learning sign language so we can "talk"to each other even sooner!

A "Sort Of" Anniversary

Today was a special day for us. 

Last year on this day, we had our wedding ceremony.

We were married in a little courthouse the year before, 

but we still wanted the dresses, cakes, balloons and all that good stuff...

And so we set the celebration date for June 28th 2011.

This was my handsome date. 

 These were my most beautiful bridesmaids, -2 ladies.

I wish my friends "Spiffy" and "Britters" were in the photo!
As a side note, sometimes I forget what I looked like before I was pregnant.
This is a good reminder!
Does that happen to any other preggos?
I wonder...

It was such a wonderful evening,

and it's been such a wonderful year.

Today while driving, Jared made me stop the car in the middle of the road so he could pick me these flowers.

I love that guy. 

Snapshots And Life Thoughts Pt.2

I know this is kind of a continuation post from my last one but I am finding myself thinking where to start, where to start? But like with cleaning or cooking when I am overwhelmed, sometimes I just dive in for the plunge. And that's exactly my game plan for my post about ...

"Pure Birth"

It might sound a little weird, like something from a "Twilight" movie but truthfully, I think it is such a beautiful approach to such a life changing experience. Birth itself. Something that I would have thought about a couple years ago and felt such terror and fear. My mother has gave birth, not me, anyone but me! "Oh when I am pregnant it will be different, my baby will just pop into my arms with sparkles all around us. No pain, no stretch marks, no gaining 40 pounds. Not me. No way!".... Until I missed that period. Until suddenly, somehow it clicked.

 I, Challice Glee, 

CAN DO THIS.

Before the 1900's nearly all births were at home with trusted midwives. They really focused on the mother as whole, not just her birth canal. They cared for her in a way that would nourish her well being and did not see birth as a "serious medical condition". That label was reserved for unwell people in hospitals. After all, having a baby is a bodily function, a POWERFUL one, but just simply that! Yet as scientific advances grew, giving birth was dubbed an interesting subject that the all-male doctors at the time felt the need to scientifically analyze, "improve" and eventually control it. Once birth slowly started switching from the mother being in control, to her surrendering control to her doctor in the 1800's, tools that were never used before started coming into the picture. Things like forceps, which were only previously used to remove stillbirths, entered the arena to make it "easier". C-sections were starting to be used more, which were traditionally only used on mothers who had passed away or were going to pass away. Why did women start losing faith in themselves?

Money.

It simply became a status issue. Like iPhones and cars today, somehow birth became about who had money.  There was a yin-yang effect by the 1900's. Doctors had learned so much more about complications, and how to fix them, for such a heavy price. It became "fashionable"  for women of wealth to choose to birth at the hospital simply because at the time expectant mothers rarely left their homes. It seems to me it was simply  a rebellious fashion (I mean, who would want to be confined for months upon months?) and if you had the money for it, you could not only leave your house to be in the maternity wards, but have your baby there. Oh  isn't that fancy?  Now at this point, that's not so bad! There was a safe feeling being in the presence of trained medical staff. I know when I am at my ultimate low and have to go to the hospital, when those automatic doors open I know I am all the closer to feeling better... so it's understandable how women headed in this direction.  Who doesn't want to feel better when you are feeling bad? Which leads to my next topic of ...

Twilight Sleep

Now that women started birthing in hospitals it was expected that during their births they would "feel better". 

It makes sense considering doctors are in control of medication right? Why not make it a little less painful? An answer to these mother's pleas were coming soon, with a storm of poor choices of medication. The method was called "Twilight Sleep" and it was only for those who could afford it. If they would pay up they were promised a painless birth with this method, and here came the drugs. Laboring moms were given a hefty shot of morphine and next some amnesiac scopolamine. The combo was supposed to make it painless and for the mother and to have no memory of the birth. As if that wasn't enough, next they gave the mother a good whiff of chloroform. Yes, this really happened and was totally accepted as normal less than 100 years ago. So just because "that is what's normal" doesn't mean it's right. As moms, I think we should really be thinking a lot more for ourselves. Get to know the facts.  The sad thing is, doctors initially said these drugs were not fit for the use of expectant mothers, but the moms kept pushing for there use. It seems like such a horrible choice right? But to relate it to a common day "bad for you" phenomenon, we have soda, candy, smoking, liquor, and the list goes on. Yet we still want these things and pursue them. I don't think they are going to go away any time soon. To read more about "Twilight Sleep" you could go here! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twilight_sleep

Sadly we still have not learned from a lot of our past mistakes. Since the earth began all the way up until the 1900's we birthed differently. I believe for the most part we birthed naturally and normally. Humans are still around right? So isn't there something to that? Now C-section rates in hospitals have sky rocketed to over 30 percent and the number is still climbing. Most of the time mothers who end up having a C-section did not plan it, their births were simply not "happening fast enough" for the doctors. What are these doctors in such a rush for that they can't let nature take it's course? Late to their dinner date? Their favorite show is on? I just don't understand. I don't think you should be in "the business of birth" if you are there to rush it. I feel doctors should be in love with what they do, not see it as burden.

 

This is why Jared and I are going to do everything in our power

 to keep our family out of the hospital for births.

We don't want medication to speed the process.

We don't want medication to numb my body.

I don't want to be restrained to a bed in an awkward position.

We don't want specialists and nurses interrupting.

We don't want to be rushed.

I just want to feel everything without fear.

I want to know what is happening in my own body.

I want to understand that this isn't so much pain, as it is my incredible body getting ready.

I want Onyx to join us when HE is ready.

I want a pure birth.

I know this is my first child.

I know that not everything will go as planned.

I know that under certain circumstances I must accept change.

And I know that if I do have to take a medication or be transferred to a hospital,

I have to know that I tried.

Snapshots And Life Thoughts Pt.1

I have been trying to go outdoors a lot to free my mind. Sometimes, when the anxiety is just too much, I plop my now "rather plump" booty on the front porch, usually followed by Jared who will clear off one of the outside chairs of it's seed packets and mini shovels to offer me a better seat. Then I take the freshly offered chair, breath, look at the wind in the trees and either think too much... or shut off my brain completely for just a few minutes. 

 

 

I am not depressed by any means. I have very little to complain about lately other than the daily bad hair days (yay for awkward grow out phases) and my body is getting uncomfortabley heavy, I mean, I've got the 40 week waddle at 20 weeks and each of my ta-ta's has gained oh I dunno, 5 pounds each, causing me to have a wonderful Gollum like posture... but hey! These things are only temporary so I am not so worried. 

What is overwhelming me on the other hand is,

we no longer like 

my 

midwife. 

The clinic my midwife works at is lovely, welcoming and warm. Which is one of the many reasons why we chose to go there for my prenatal care. Jared and I also believe "pure birth" is the way to go. No drugs, no restraints, no monitors, no disruptive nurses or specialists. Just freedom to have this child in whichever way I am most comfortable. I have been educating myself and Jared for the big day. Just ask Jared, I've been busting at the seams with labor information and he has been so kind to listen to every word. You might think this kind of thinking is totally irresponsible or unsafe, but I can assure it's not and I'll be talking about why we chose to go the natural route in my next post. 

The problem is for this certain midwife the pro's and con's list has been gradually tipping into the red zone. Yes, she is the closest midwife available to us, and I don't want to have to drive 1.5 hours in labor to the next nearest birthing center. Yes, she is just 5 minutes from the hospital (whereas our house is about an hour away) and yes they do indeed have a bigger bathtub then ours, and it is very important to me to birth in water, but other than that I am worried about her judging us. She clearly has some biased opinions about how things should go and she is not very great about supporting me in whatever choices I make. Her facial expressions alone instantly make me say something closer to what she wants to hear rather than the honest truth. Needless to say, if I am not comfortable with her now, why on earth would I comfortably let her into our birthing experience? 

She may have attended more births than me but I worry I am trusting someone who is just as educated as me to call the shots in case of an emergency. I'm not boasting here, I have really been researching everything I can! Like a sponge day and night I am learning about this and anytime I ask her a question about a symptom I might be having, she doesn't know what is causing it. That in itself bothers me, but what bothers me worse is she takes zero initiative to find out the cause or how I can get some relief. This "Yer on yer own kid"  attitude has pretty much been the theme these last few months. I am learning all I can, but it would be nice to have a itee bittee amount of support from a "pro". I have been my own doctor this entire pregnancy, I really need to trust my instincts better and not rely on someone else just because they are "certified". 

She also never, ever gives me credit. I have been feeling Onyx move since 3 months.
Jared and I were going down a windy mountain road and at the very bottom we stopped quickly at a stop sign.
I felt him roll into my front.
Holy biscuits.
It was so strange!
I wanted to go down the hill again just to see if I could throw him off balance.
Just to relive that would have been so amazing,
but now I feel him move probably 20-30 times daily. Full kicks, flips, head bumps and all that good stuff.
If I lay flat, with my hands I can tell where his head and booty are and sometimes if he is facing the front or back. I never knew that was possible! Things people never tell you ya know! It's amazing!

However she did not believe me and told me it must be gas. Ummmmm hullo madam! I have had gas periodically for 21 years. I know the difference between a toot and my child. You don't have to believe me, but as someone who is supposed to be "supporting" me, it's not your job to rob me of how I feel. She also simply "forgot" to do my first trimester prenatal tests and in that same conversation told my my son had 2 cysts in his brain but told me not to worry about it. I asked what that could mean for him. She said "Nothing. Don't worry about it, I just needed to tell you."  -_-
... Then why tell me at all?

 

 

 

So as of right now Jared and I are starting to reconsider every option.
5 months down...
20 weeks down...
and we are possibly starting over.

Overwhelming indeed. 

I wish I could be a little more like MerDock here and just not give a hoot!

Pregnancy Dreams

Since Onyx came to be, I've been having ....

(Oh, this makes me all teary eyed, I have not even met him yet
and I can't imagine life with out his little soul present... Gah.)

Anyways, I have been having many of the "same-themed" dreams.
I have always had long, in depth dreams. Dreams that have a full plot, even sometimes a twist, but almost always bring to life a full colored, dramatic story that takes place nearly every night while I sleep. So when I heard many expecting women had "pregnancy dreams" I did not know what to expect. However, like running to the bathroom a billion times a day (which I already did prior to pregnancy) the dreams for the most part haven't changed... except one thing. One reoccurring thing that I love, but it drives me crazy. I have dreams I go into labor, I go through the entire thing, so focused on being in tune with my body I don't realize the pain that comes along with it. Then I finally see him. I get to finally see his beautiful face. Usually after the most brief moment of Jared and I looking at our first born I wake up, with him still slumbering in my belly. (He likes to sleep all morning, but dance all night. Sounds like his night owl parents!)

But last night the dream continued for just a bit. I had him, it was nearly painless. I did not reach down to grab him or anything because this time I was in such shock. He was so alert and blinked quietly before he pulled himself up and STOOD UP! I covered my hand over my mouth. He was so strong for just being born! Then he plopped back down on his chubby legs and giggled. Next he scootched himself to a little decorative bowl filled with beads which he quickly shoved into his mouth! I did not even think about moving the beads because I did not know he could move about! I grabbed him like lightning and dug all the beads out of his mouth.... Oh my gosh I was so scared he was going to swallow them! Afterwards he gave me this smug little grin that he always seems to have in my dreams... I wonder if that will carry on into real life.

Either way I am counting down every week, and day until I get to see that little smile.

Love you kid.
-Challice at 20 weeks

What's In A Name?

On choosing, 

Onyx Morel

as the name of our first born son...

 We chose "Onyx" because Onyx is strong and one of the first things created on this earth. If you believe the bible's version of creation, there was water then God made land, and in the land was Onyx. We chose that as a first name because we want him to be strong. Also people usually think of Onyx as black, but Onyx comes in so many colors it is always beautiful and unpredictable. ..... We chose "Morel" as a middle name because all of existing life needs all the rest of life to exist. Everything is so intricately woven that every little thing counts, even down to the smallest mushrooms. We also chose the name Morel because along with the nature aspect of the name it sounds like "moral" and I think to live in the world we live in, you need to have strong morals to guide you to live a full happy life.

 And that is why we chose those names for him.

I think Onyx looks just a wee bit like his mama. That's all I am sayin'!

He's A Boy!!!

When we announced the gender of our baby, we wanted it to be this really cool sha-bang.

I always liked the idea of having the ultrasound technician write the gender on a piece of paper in a sealed envelope.

(So even the parents don't know!)

Then they would go to a store and hand the paper over to the person filling balloons.

Next, that person would fill a box with whatever color (pink or blue)

and they would take the box home to open it with their family.

We did that in a way, but I wanted to know sooooo badly I could not help but ask the technician what we were having.

We asked our parents to leave the room, which they were not the least bit thrilled about!

She put the "wand" to my belly and she did not have to say anything.

She pointed and said "This is a leg"

and we saw it.

"This is the other leg"

She did not need to go any farther...

"And, well, this is NOT a leg."

I was silent.

And shocked!

I was so convinced we were having a girl!

(Even though every midwife's tale pointed otherwise!)

I could not stop smiling. 

I always wanted a boy first!

 Being the oldest sister I always wished I had a big protective brother,

and now our kids will have that!

(We will see about the protective part, hehe) 

Jared's eyes met mine.

It was such a wonderful moment.

Minutes later we left that room with a little secret...

AND WE WERE HOUNDED FOR TWO DAYS!!!!!

...Just to get the answer out early!

But we still went to the store,

bought the balloons,

and had our sweet little nephew open the box of blue balloons.

It was so priceless to see everyone's face.

❤