Sunday, June 17, 2012

Snapshots And Life Thoughts Pt.1

I have been trying to go outdoors a lot to free my mind. Sometimes, when the anxiety is just too much, I plop my now "rather plump" booty on the front porch, usually followed by Jared who will clear off one of the outside chairs of it's seed packets and mini shovels to offer me a better seat. Then I take the freshly offered chair, breath, look at the wind in the trees and either think too much... or shut off my brain completely for just a few minutes. 



I am not depressed by any means. I have very little to complain about lately other than the daily bad hair days (yay for awkward grow out phases) and my body is getting uncomfortabley heavy, I mean, I've got the 40 week waddle at 20 weeks and each of my ta-ta's has gained oh I dunno, 5 pounds each, causing me to have a wonderful Gollum like posture... but hey! These things are only temporary so I am not so worried. 

What is overwhelming me on the other hand is,
we no longer like 

The clinic my midwife works at is lovely, welcoming and warm. Which is one of the many reasons why we chose to go there for my prenatal care. Jared and I also believe "pure birth" is the way to go. No drugs, no restraints, no monitors, no disruptive nurses or specialists. Just freedom to have this child in whichever way I am most comfortable. I have been educating myself and Jared for the big day. Just ask Jared, I've been busting at the seams with labor information and he has been so kind to listen to every word. You might think this kind of thinking is totally irresponsible or unsafe, but I can assure it's not and I'll be talking about why we chose to go the natural route in my next post. 

The problem is for this certain midwife the pro's and con's list has been gradually tipping into the red zone. Yes, she is the closest midwife available to us, and I don't want to have to drive 1.5 hours in labor to the next nearest birthing center. Yes, she is just 5 minutes from the hospital (whereas our house is about an hour away) and yes they do indeed have a bigger bathtub then ours, and it is very important to me to birth in water, but other than that I am worried about her judging us. She clearly has some biased opinions about how things should go and she is not very great about supporting me in whatever choices I make. Her facial expressions alone instantly make me say something closer to what she wants to hear rather than the honest truth. Needless to say, if I am not comfortable with her now, why on earth would I comfortably let her into our birthing experience? 

She may have attended more births than me but I worry I am trusting someone who is just as educated as me to call the shots in case of an emergency. I'm not boasting here, I have really been researching everything I can! Like a sponge day and night I am learning about this and anytime I ask her a question about a symptom I might be having, she doesn't know what is causing it. That in itself bothers me, but what bothers me worse is she takes zero initiative to find out the cause or how I can get some relief. This "Yer on yer own kid"  attitude has pretty much been the theme these last few months. I am learning all I can, but it would be nice to have a itee bittee amount of support from a "pro". I have been my own doctor this entire pregnancy, I really need to trust my instincts better and not rely on someone else just because they are "certified". 

She also never, ever gives me credit. I have been feeling Onyx move since 3 months.
Jared and I were going down a windy mountain road and at the very bottom we stopped quickly at a stop sign.
I felt him roll into my front.
Holy biscuits.
It was so strange!
I wanted to go down the hill again just to see if I could throw him off balance.
Just to relive that would have been so amazing,
but now I feel him move probably 20-30 times daily. Full kicks, flips, head bumps and all that good stuff.
If I lay flat, with my hands I can tell where his head and booty are and sometimes if he is facing the front or back. I never knew that was possible! Things people never tell you ya know! It's amazing!

However she did not believe me and told me it must be gas. Ummmmm hullo madam! I have had gas periodically for 21 years. I know the difference between a toot and my child. You don't have to believe me, but as someone who is supposed to be "supporting" me, it's not your job to rob me of how I feel. She also simply "forgot" to do my first trimester prenatal tests and in that same conversation told my my son had 2 cysts in his brain but told me not to worry about it. I asked what that could mean for him. She said "Nothing. Don't worry about it, I just needed to tell you."  -_-
... Then why tell me at all?




So as of right now Jared and I are starting to reconsider every option.
5 months down...
20 weeks down...
and we are possibly starting over.

Overwhelming indeed. 

I wish I could be a little more like MerDock here and just not give a hoot!

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